I Read The Guardian So You Don't Have To #1

From the readers' problems page of the Weekend magazine:

"We've just returned from Marrakech with a lovely red leather pouffe. Unfortunately, a strong camel smell emanates from it. How can we get rid of it?"

No comment need be made on my part.

I Have A Piss In My Bathroom Sink.

I reflect upon my awesome Friday.

It’s been yet another long day. I give ‘myself’ a shake and run the tap. Balefully I gaze at the toilet that is still brim-full of not-entirely-clean water.

Thirteen hours previously I had enjoyed a leisurely breakfast and had performed my bathroom habits before leaving for work. I had noticed that the toilet did not drain. And in fact had just filled.

“That’s fine”, I thought, “by the time I get home tonight it will have actually fixed itself. All on its own. Like that dead cat in the front garden all those years ago.”

I endure a working day dealing with small businesses who pretend not to exist after what is for them a terrifying Budget and large private businesses who are now spending money like it was some sort of competition.

And then attend after-work drinks with Newly-Gay Friend and yet another of his ‘gentleman callers’ without accidently getting pissed and offending people yet again and am now home safe and sound and need a wee.

Astoundingly nothing has resolved itself in my absence. For the eight-millionth time I reflect upon the doubly-rubbish nature of not only living alone but also being grown-up.

I arm myself with all the household disinfectant I can find and begin bending a wire clothes-hanger into the required shape.

I don’t much fancy anything for dinner anymore.

Fail.

Interior. Day.

A shabby office, one phone, one desk. The year is 1986.

Barry is a failed popstar but slightly talented song-writer who carves a living writing tunes for other people. He tries not to be bitter.

[Off screen] Phone rings.

Barry: *sigh* Hi.

Listens.

Barry: Yeah whatever. What’s the pay? {pause] Yeah that’ll do. Let’s recap. Slightly saucy pop hit, not so suggestive it won’t get airplay – don’t want a repeat of that Frankie Goes To Hollywood thing – but enough to sell. Ok. Who’s it for? Cher again?

Some time passes.

Barry: Sam fucking Fox? Are you shitting me? Do you know who I am?

More silence.

Barry: Well yeah that’s who I am NOW, but I could have been…..right. Whatever. Yeah. I’ll do it.

Barry hangs up, and reaches for a folder marked ‘Absolutely Terrible Analogies For Awful Pay’

Fade to black.

.......................................................................................................

24 years later (this is me now).

I’m in the check-out queue at Poundland during my lunch hour, faintly excited by the thought of my evening shower that I’m promised will be an ‘energising deep cleansing experience’ according to the label on my one quid bottle of shower gel.

Trying not to think of how hideously ugly the poor actually are (this isn’t John Lewis), not to mention how smelly - it’s Poundland for God’s sake and it’s 2 for 1 on deodorant – I listen to the plaintive strains of Sam Fox wailing from the speakers.

……. ‘like a tramp in the night I’m begging you’……………..

Honestly. ‘Like a tramp in the night?’ The writer was so disillusioned he went for the hobo analogy?

She got the last laugh I think to myself as I queue to pay for my purchase. All those photos making over-exciteable adolescent boys imagine she were available, the hit single entitled ‘Touch Me’ that would of CONVINCED them of it, and all the while she was a carpet-muncher.

The chap ahead of me is a disorientated Middle-Eastern who obviously hasn’t much English.

‘How much?’ he asks, gesturing at his hoped-for purchase.

The man behind the counter glances at him.

‘You’re in a pound shop sir and I’ve no time for comedians.’ Is his helpful reply.

Unlike Sam Fox, it seems some people have no sense of humour.

Stories.

I love a good story, me. They serve so many purposes.

A female colleague – let’s call her Susan - has just left the company I work for to start a better-paid job at an ‘escort agency’.

Not as an actual escort – she’s nearly sixty, was never a ‘looker’ in her youth and would be a cock-wilting disappointment if she turned up at your front door for some coke-fueled anonymous ‘affection’ - more an office-manager sort of thing for the agency.

I ask her if she is not slightly concerned about long-term job security in an industry notorious for falling foul of the law. And about stuff like hygienic working environments and constant contact with people who are at best morally ‘flexible’. Including her new employer.

She is certain that her new employer is at heart a good man. She tells me his story.

He was a man of the cloth – a vicar. His wife died in a car accident, he lost his faith in God and left the clergy. And turned to drink. And gambling. Poker. Which to his astonishment he turned out to be very good at. He cleaned-up and made a fortune from cards. There is a website of a casino in Las Vegas that still lists him as their biggest winner. She’s seen it.

He bought a large, expensive quayside apartment in our city upon his return and tried to lead a blameless life.

One night he heard a terrible commotion in the hallway outside his apartment. A couple of hysterical young girls were banging on his door – they couldn’t get help elsewhere. There was a very drunk, abusive gentleman in their apartment, they couldn’t get rid of him.

The hero of our story dispatches this gentleman, advising him never to return. The girls are grateful. They tell him their own story, what they do for a living, working from their apartment. Our hero is filled with nothing but concern for the well-being of these girls – do they not have any protection, anyone to look after them, he asks.

No, they reply, we are alone and vulnerable. Will you look after us?

Our hero cannot turn his back on these poor waifs, and begins conducting their affairs for them – providing them with much-needed safety. And a steady supply of well-vetted clients. Soon other lost souls hear of this wonderful man, and before long he is taking care of many young women, and starts an agency.

It’s like he has his flock back.

In my opinion, this is an utterly brilliant story of lost faith and redemption in the unlikeliest setting.

And I wonder if even Susan believes a fucking word of it.

Hecklerspray

I would like to point out that:

www.hecklerspray.com

is quite good, and if you tire of the world of modern shallow entertainment but are still sort-of fascinated by it, I would say it is a good place to go.

I, of course, have no vested interest in this statement, or indeed the website in question.

Growing Pains.

Last weekend:

It’s been a long day, involving a four-hundred mile journey and much turmoil. I am tired. I stand outside a public house and think back over the afternoon. It is eight in the evening.

Five hours previously.

I meet Favourite Son from school.

His Teacher: You should of seen his face! When he saw you!

I ignore her. Not on purpose. But I suppose I’ve more important things to give my attention to.

Favourite Son: Daddy? How come you’re here to pick me up when you live so far away?

Me: I got up really early.

This satisfies him. It’s the end of term and he presents me with a small plant-pot from which is growing a bean-shoot he has nurtured for the preceding weeks. He is chuffed.

We collect his sister, who proudly shows me her jigsaw mouth of milk- and small-adult teeth. The baby teeth are her mothers, the new jagged ones are mine.

Retiring to a public house down the road from their school that possesses an outdoor children’s area, we drink lemonade, laugh and play. We spend the afternoon together, have dinner elsewhere and at about seven meet their mother.

Favourite Son looks at me with horror.

FD: Daddy! Where’s my bean?

I’ve only left it behind at the pub down the road from his school haven’t I? He was no doubt bursting to show it to his mother. I look at his face.

He’s five now, his small body coursing with unaccustomed bursts of testosterone and every slight injustice is felt with a hammer-blow of outrage and inconsolable grief.

I look at his mother’s face. We’ve already established that I also forgot to pick up his lunch-box and PE kit so this latest testament to my incompetence is obviously no surprise to her.

Me: It’s ok. Don’t worry. I’ll go and get it.

The pub is bloody miles away and I’m exhausted and on foot.

Tired Mam: I can call them if you like. Get them to put it to one side.

Me: No. No. [To Favourite Son] I’ll get it. It’ll be ok.

He seems alright with this. They go home. I find the bean-shoot and all is well.

My lodgings for the night are at the maternal grandfather of my children, with whom I have an unlikely friendship. I look at my watch. He’ll be asleep by now. I’m alone in a town that I have not lived in for about seven years and is now alien to me. The brief sight of Tired Mam seven months pregnant has not been a soothing one. Nothing to do with me I might add. My nerves are shot. The public house is filled with people, sound and light.

Me: A pint of strong drink please.

Barman: No problem. And for your friend?

Me: Mmmm?

He gestures to the small plant-pot next to my elbow on the bar. Funny fucker.

Me: *sigh* He’ll just have some water.

Massively Unproductive Telephone Conversations.

Me: Hello. Could I speak to Caroline please?

Receptionist: Oh I’m sorry she’s off until tomorrow. Who’s calling?

Me: It’s Tired at the Department.

Receptionist: Oh right, well Rachel will be able to help you. I’ll but you through? [You’re not Australian, I think. Don’t make a statement sound like a question]

Beep. Beep.

Rachel: Hello, Rachel speaking.

Me: Hello, this is Tired at the Department.

Rachel: Oh Hi. Erm. Oh. Right. It’s Caroline you really need to speak to…

Me: Is it.

Rachel: Yeah… um. She’s in tomorrow? [Christ, you as well]

Me: Is she.

Rachel: Yeeaah.

Me: Tomorrow it is.

I know I should appreciate the willingness to help, and welcome the delight of speaking to new people I would never normally encounter but really. Fuck. Off.

Two hours later.

Me: …and do you know why, ‘cos I’ll tell you. I have no interest in becoming one of those witless wonders who gaze into the neon oblong glare of their unbearable twat-machines, surrounded by friends in their favourite bar while someone normal like me sits thinking ‘Christ this is excellent, I’m so glad I came out to watch these fucknuts play Texas Hold ‘Em with a twelve-year old transvestite in Wisconsin’ and no, actually no I very much doubt that it ‘impresses the chicks’ as you suggest – I know you’re being ‘ironic’ but even so –

Female Client: You think smoking ‘impresses the chicks’.

Me: It does. It makes you look ‘cool’, ‘hard’ and ‘grown-up’. All fiddling with a fucking iPhone gets you is the utter contempt of anyone who sees you sitting on the tube swirling your fingers over the fucking thing like it was your girlfiend’s vagina which, incidently, if you gave the proper attention to you would find the desire for a smart-fucking-phone would never of crossed your mind in the first place-

FC: Tired? What did you call for?

Me: I honestly can’t remember now. You’ve made me all cross and I’ve lost my train of thought.

FC: We really should meet for a drink sometime.

Me: Sure.

Unproductive on a business front, but also an opportunity to have an ill-advised affair with a married client. So. Unproductive then.

Four hours later.

I’ve missed my normal bus home due to lengthy unproductive telephone calls, and retire to a bar across the street from the bus ‘rank’ or whatever you call them.

It’s an alright place. It’s not part of a chain, has the impression of being a bit of a labour of love and is filled with ageing indie-kids, various other ‘alternative’ types, people who refer to themselves as ‘creatives’ who are actually ‘Mac operators’ and men in suits who like to pretend they are still ‘with it’ and that the Chartered Accountancy thing is just a day job.

I sit with my drink. A song by a band I quite like comes over the speakers from what I am sure is a 'mix-tape' or whatever the current equivalent is that has been put together by a member of the bar staff. An ageing indie-kid takes the stool next to me and starts fiddling with his mobile phone. I instantly dislike him but can’t really justify it as I’m one of the suit-guys who are kidding themselves, and in my time off I’m also an ageing indie-kid. Dreadful. I need a proper reason to hate him that doesn’t reflect on myself.

He phones someone.

Ageing Indie-Kid: Steve? Steve-O! It’s Nathan! How you doin’ fella? Long time no speak, thought I’d catch up with the Stevester! Fella, you sound out of breath, you ok? Oh right. In bed? Christ. Didn’t wake you did I? No? Sweet. So listen, thing is I need somewhere to crash and…. Yeah? Really? Jesus. So how’d that work? You just say to him I need to know where this is going, will you move in with me? Oh you did? Wow. Anyway, just for a few days and……right. Yeah. Sure. Understood. I’ll let you get back to sleep.

It’s five-thirty in the afternoon. I imagine Stephen – who surely does not relish being referred to as ‘Steve-O’ or ‘the Stevester’ throwing his phone across the room and getting back to the slightly more pressing business of enthusiastically fucking his new live-in boyfriend.

Nathan: Toby? Nathan! How you doin’ fella? Yeah? Sweet. Listen. There’s this thing, and I need somewhere to crash – you know, just for a couple of days and…… Really? Christ. That was quick. Where to? Hello? No you went a bit quiet. Where to fella? Plymouth? Wow, that literally couldn’t be further away. Jesus, what a job eh? Anyway. Much love yeah?

I go from briefly despising him to noticing the array of bags around his feet and wondering where he’ll sleep that night. And then deciding that he should have got a proper job as opposed to being the musician/writer/artist/whatever he has obviously decided upon and stop being a dreadful burden to everyone he encounters and let them get on with some sex and not having to make up stories about moving to Cornwall.

My bus is due. I finish my drink and leave.

21. Again.

Who'd have thought such a small question would turn out to be so interesting?

The average person - based on my hyper-scientific survey that will never trouble Ben Goldacre because it is fucking bullet-proof - has moved house on one occasion for every 2.41 years of their life.

I on the other hand have moved once for every - roughly - 1.5 years of my life. Making me intrinsically more interesting than the bulk of the population. Result.

Not quite sure what to do with this information. It will involve a new blog. And some of the comments in the last post demand a fuller story.

And there's something I'm trying to figure out for myself.

There seem to be lot of stories to be told least of all my own. Don't really know how it'll work. So I shall think for a bit.

In the meantime look below for a story about me being out-witted by a six-year old girl.

A Year And a Half Ago.

I am walking down a street in the city that I have a peculiar love-hate relationship with.

To be fair, since I moved out and now just visit it's been more love than anything.

I am having a disagreement with my six-year-old daughter. I forget what it was now, but it has incurred her displeasure.

Favourite Daughter: I’m going to tell Mummy on you.

Me: Go on then. I don’t mind.

FD: [Upping her game] I’ll tell Mrs. Teacher on you.

Me: Do it. She’s not MY teacher. I don’t care.

I’m faintly surprised that she feels that her teacher is a larger threat to me than her mother but whatever.

FD: Right. I’m going to tell Mr. Headmaster on you.

Me: Fill your boots. I couldn’t care less.

I can sense her frustration and anger building.

FD: I’m going to tell the Person In Charge Of The Whole World on you!

Theoretically she would have me with this one. Who am I against the Person In Charge Of The Whole World? No-one.

Fortunately for me, she has no idea what she’s banging on about. I’ve won this one.

Me: Oh yes? And who is that?

FD: [Steely eyed. She’s not backing-down any more than I am. She’s on the ropes and she knows it] GEORGE STEPHENSON!

Me: ……

She’s FUCKING GOT ME.

I genuinely don’t know what to say.

Alright, he invented the first miner’s lamps and the fucking steam engine and all sorts of other things and he lived round here, but really. HE’S NOT IN CHARGE OF………

Favourite Daughter sees me struggle for a moment and smiles to herself.

Whatever the disagreement was she knows she’s won.

21

I don't ask this normally.

But I'm conducting a survey of my readers. Please leave your answers in the comment-thing below.

I have had 21 homes. (Actually 23 but two don't count. I shan't explain. These are my rules.)

I am 36 years old.

Mathematics isn't my strong suit but I'm guessing a new home for every year and a half of my life.

Is this unusual? Or quite normal?

Office Space.

Work. Late afternoon. It’s already been a long day.

I receive an email from a client.

“I’m really sorry, but my email isn’t working,” explains the email, “ so I won’t be able to send you the image files you need by the end of the day as you requested.”

I gaze out the window for a while before I read the rest of it. The files in question need to be of publication standard; at least 300 dpi. I steady myself and read the rest of the email.

“Is it ok if I just fax them to you instead?”

Deadlines are circling me like vultures.

I compose an email in reply.

“So sorry to hear of your inability to communicate by email – hope this is fixed soon. Unfortunately a faxed document tends not to reproduce terribly well. As a ‘last minute’ solution – time really is short now - I wonder if it would be alright if I take some generic images from your website – assuming they are of sufficient quality?”

Send.

I scratch at my fingernails for a minute or two. They are covered in superglue which has recently oft been mistaken – to much hilarity – for nail polish.

An emailed reply.

“Ok, but I don’t see why the fax would be a problem. And I know it’s late, but I can’t help that my emails aren’t working. Could you take them from the following website – www.mybiggestcompetitor.com? I want it to look just like theirs.”

I stare out the window some more. I think of phrases such as ‘copyright issues’ and know there is no point in employing them.

Blonde Colleague: Tired? Tired! I’ve got Client Name on the phone about those files. She doesn’t understand your emails.

Me: I’m going for a smoke. Tell her all our phone lines are down and no-one can speak to her.

BC: Won’t she suss that, as she got through in the first place, there’s nothing wrong with the phones?

Me: [Over my shoulder] I sincerely fucking doubt it.

Quiet Sunday Drink.

“Do you think he’s dangerous?” Asks the policeman.

I look him up and down. He’s easily six foot five, can handle himself, and if he’s any good at what he does for a living is better equipped than I to assess this sort of thing.

The four squad cars, riot van and what I know to be our districts’ Armed Response Unit will no doubt help him out if things ‘go south’, as will the half-dozen representatives of Her Majesty’s also milling about looking ready to kick seven shades of shit out of anyone who ‘looks at them funny’. So I’m not really sure why he’s asking me.

Twenty minutes previously, and three years ago:

My sister and I are about to enjoy an impromptu Sunday afternoon drink at a public house near the river.

“ Two pints of strong drink please.” Say I, whilst another barmaid serves a random Asian man with his requested pint of cold tap water.

I glance at him as our drinks are being poured. He’s disheveled, is carrying a back-pack and is in a small town – small enough even for me to know that he is a stranger here.

Our strong drink arrives.

“Shall we sit down somewhere?” I say to my sister, noticing that the disheveled man is proceeding to WASH HIS HANDS in his pint of free-of-charge tap-water as opposed to actually drinking it.

We sit. But I know it’s only a matter of time.

“Do you think John Travolta felt a bit …. You know. Weird. About being sperm?” Asks my sister.

“What?” Says me.

“In ‘Look Who’s Talking’. He’s sperm and then gets to voice the baby. When it’s born. And says things about tits and that.”

“No. That was Bruce Willis. John Travolta was the guy. He drove a taxi or something.” I explain.

“Oh. Yes. You’re right. Bruce Willis was the spunk.”

I notice that we are soon to have company.

“Mind if I sit? It’s been a long day. I’ve parked by the river [you can’t park by the river-this is me thinking] and can’t find my car again. It’s down there somewhere [It’s not because you can’t park there- that's me thinking again]” Says the mental man.

It’s inevitable really. They gravitate toward me. Sister and I leave him and go for a cigarette.

I’m briefly troubled by another twat – “What have I done now?” he whines – and return to our table.

Our new-found friend has produced an enormous pair of scissors and is making what appears to be an eye-patch from some random materials he has about his person whilst informing me that he fancied a change of scenery and has randomly driven here from Birmingham. I am in the North-East of England and know that to be quite a drive for a spur-of-the-moment thing.

“I’m just going to the loo.” Says my sister. Whilst she has gone I wander to the bar.

“Errmm,” I say, “ I think it might be an idea…”

“We’ve already called them.” Says the barmaid.

I sit down again. Within two minutes a large policeman sidles up to us.

“Alright mate? Scissors is it? Can I have a look? Great. I’m just going to keep hold of these. Shall we have a chat outside? Great.”

They leave and after a while I imagine the fuss to have died down and go for a cigarette, and am surprised to witness the show of force. Thinking about it, the July bombings weren’t that long ago and people are still twitchy.

“You spoke to him yeah?” Says the policeman. I confirm this. He asks me if I thought he was dangerous.

“If anything only to himself. I got the impression he’d stopped taking his meds and didn’t really know where he was.”

The policeman nods as if I had confirmed his own thoughts and takes my details.

I wander back inside and order some more strong drink, aware of the fact that if I lived in 'that London' someone would have been shot by now.

Other People.

The problem with the bulk of them is that, sooner or later, you discover they are quite mad.

My sister is in my kitchen. Also in my kitchen is a metal cylindrical thing with holes in the side in which I keep utensils too big to fit in the cutlery drawer. Wooden spoons. Potato masher. Screwdrivers. Stuff like that.

Sister: Do you know there's a teaspoon in here? Should I put it in the drawer?

Me: No. Leave it. I like to know where it is.

Sis: What?

Me: It's my Boiled Egg Spoon.

Sis: What?

Me: I eat my boiled eggs with that one.

Sis: Why don't you just use one of the other ones?

Me: They're not quite the right shape.

She looks at me as if I have lost my marbles. She was on the verge of moving it to the General Teaspoon Population for fuck's sake.

Like I say. Mentals, the lot of them.


On a completely unrelated note, I have ditched Internet Explorer in favour of Firefox 15 years after the rest of the world has done so and am delighted to notice that it has put my Favourites in alphabetical order - something IE has long refused to do.

As such I rediscover a number of blogs and sites I have forgotten about as they've not been in the right part of the alphabet and frankly life is too short to faff about.

I am even more delighted to discover NOT A SINGLE ONE EXISTS ANYMORE! Probably purely because I have ignored them for some time and the administrators have just given up! This is quite brilliant as, at a rough estimate, I ignore 99.9999999999999% of the internet! Therefore, it is surely a matter of time before I dominate the web and am given a prize of some sort!

Wonderful.

Doppelganger.

It’s the only way to explain it.

Lunchtime today; I am in the chemist purchasing some sort of treatment for Blonde Colleague’s ‘water problems’ as she doesn’t like to answer the searching questions regarding her ‘lady-plumbing’ whenever she has to buy it. I am not fond of strangers thinking that it is I who have a urinary-tract infection, but this seems to be a moot point.

Cashier: So how are you anyway?

Me: Mmm? Oh. Erm. Fine. Aaah. Yourself?

Cashier: Ohhh. You know meee….

I don’t.

Me: Right.

Cashier: I just get on with it don’t I?

Perhaps she does. I really don’t know.

Me: Ok.

Cashier: Anyway. What are you like? Have you lost your Boots card again?

Me: It wasn’t mine and-

Cashier: Here you go. [Does some weird thing with a pretend loyalty card and laser scanner then hands it to me] All set now. You know I take care of you. See you later yeah?

I leave the chemist feeling slightly befuddled and raise my eyebrows at a Random Woman who smiles at me like she knows me. I proceed to the newsagent for my cigarettes.

Newsagent: Thought you’d quit HAHAHAHA!

Me: Ehm. No.



I've never laid eyes on him.

Newsagent: You must need these with your ‘not stressful’ job HAHAHAHAHA!

He has appalling halitosis and I wish he were not laughing so hard. In my face.

Newsagent: ‘Spose you’re just glad to HAVE a job the way things are going at your place HAHAHAHA!

How does he know where I work and what I do for a living? I pay for my cigarettes and leave my new best friend the Newsagent. Upon arriving at the door of my building I hold the door open for another Random Woman.

“Thanks Tired.” She says. How does she know my name?

I walk down a long corridor grinding my teeth. Yet another Random Woman is heading toward me.

Random Woman: [As if she’s known me for years] What’s the weather like out there?

Me: [Feeling sure she could have utilized a little-known device called ‘a window’] Oh. Erm. Not raining. Not cold.

RW: Brilliant! HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: Ok.

I get back to my office with some relief. Everyone here has known me for years – there will be few pleasantries. Thank God.

I think for a bit. I’m a rational man, but it can only be. There is some sort of ‘anti-me’ out there, being all ‘friendly’ and ‘gregarious’ all over the place and making strangers think they can talk to me as if they know me.

This will not do. And I have absolutely no idea how to fix this. I can’t be stuck in some sort of hell-hole of casual cheerfulness with people I don’t care about. That would be awful. What if everyone starts thinking I’m ‘approachable’? Christ.

I sit at my desk.

Blonde Colleague: Did you get…… you know.

Me: There you go.

BC: Did you get my deodorant too?

Me: *SIGH* Yeah. Here.

BC: What the fuck is this?

Me: [Squinting at the can] ‘Cotton Flower’.

BC: Cotton fucking Flower? I’m a ‘Sensual Blossom’ girl!

Me: They didn’t have any.

BC: Did you ask?

Why do women always say that?

Me: No I didn’t ask. Do you know why? Because it’s not important to me. I’d have got some ‘Unbearable Hermaphrodite Who Keeps Forgetting To Take Her Mood Stabilisers’ but they were all out of that as well. Should I have asked if they had also stockpiled that in a secret location purely to annoy you?

BC: What?

This could go either way. We both start cackling at each other. It’s fine.

I instantly feel better and stop worrying about the doppelganger. No matter how hard he tries to fool people into thinking that I’m an acceptable person, die-hard bastards like this will never have the wool pulled over their eyes.

Everday Idiocy.

An astonishing thing about living (mostly) alone is that you slowly begin to realize just how phenomenally stupid you actually are. You know. What with there not being anyone else around to blame and that.

Today.

It is three o’clock in the afternoon, the sky is blue and the sun is shining. For the first time in five months after the coldest, bitterest, most unforgiving dark winter ever in the world I am sitting outside, looking at greenery whilst the sun shines on my face and warms my bones whilst I sip a pleasant drink.

I feel relaxed for the first time in forever. The beer garden – a fifteen minute walk away from my house (long enough to qualify as ‘a walk’, not too long to be ‘a chore’) contains a couple of young girls (three, maybe four) who make a big thing of smiling at me and then being ‘shy’ whenever I glance at them which amuses their respective mothers no end and who then smile at me benignly.

I finish my drink and return home to the dinner I had left on a low heat in the oven. The house is spotless after my ‘it’s spring!’ efforts and smells mildly and not unpleasantly of Zorflora and home-cooking. I turn the oven off. My washing and ironing is done and I have attended to my ‘personal grooming’. I feel o.k.

One hour previously.

This is shit, I think to myself. I’ve done all my fucking chores, figured-out how to copy rental dvds from the garage, the place is spotless and I just want to get out in the fucking sun ‘cos I feel like Johnny Cash in Folsom Prison. I just want to feel the sun on my face and I’m tied to this fucking cooker.

I glare with resentment at my captor. The casserole will take at least another hour. Blonde Colleague better fucking appreciate it for her lunch tomorrow after all the fuss she made last time she tasted it.

An hour. Christ. It’s not worth chancing it with a gas cooker though. There could be a supply surge, the gas could blow out and if the central heating kicks in or I unwittingly flick a light switch or light a cigarette when I get back in I'm done for.

Outside birds are singing, for what seems like the first time since last year. I can hear children playing in the distance. I want to go out.

I check the progress of my dinner, and am greeted by the reassuring hum of the fan when I open the door of the oven. All is well.

They’re brilliant, fan ovens, I think to myself. Even temperature, so much quicker.

I think a bit more.

A fan oven? Which wouldn’t work too well with a gas flame. An oven that, thinking about it, I’ve never had to light.

The hob is gas. The oven has ALWAYS been electric.

I start pulling my coat on. At this point, I would round on someone – anyone- and say-

“Why didn’t you tell me it was an electric oven? We could have gone out AN HOUR AGO! It’s perfectly safe! IDIOT!”

But there’s only me.

Brainstorm.

Client: We need a new slogan for our advertisement. The old one's a bit .... erm. I'm not very good with words... erm...

Me: 'Old'?

Client: Exactly. See what you can come up with.

Me: What?

Client: See you tomorrow.

Me: [Into a now silent phone] For fuck's sake.

This is terrible. The client in question believes me to be a 'creative'. I am not. I have people who can be creative on my behalf but they can't 'magic things up' in one day flat - they need to go shopping for moccasins for at least a week to enliven the imagination before they come up with anything. I'm going to have to do this myself. And, if anything, I'm a 'destructive'.

I canvass the opinion of my colleagues.

The client has the largest taxi firm in the sprawling city that I have a peculiar love/hate relationship with. They're not, but let's just say they're called 'City Cabs'. And I want to keep on the right side of him for two reasons:

1) I pay next to fuck all for taxis these days.

and

2) Like any cash business of that size, it's fucking rife with organized crime.

Thug Colleague: 'Pulled a munter? Be a punter of City Cabs'?

Me: Thanks for your help. No. Really.

Lovely But Stupid: [Back from maternity leave] What about safety? You've read about these pretend mini-cab drivers who assualt drunk girls who think that they're getting into real taxis?

Me: [Quite surprised. This is sounding sensible. Maybe motherhood has sharpened her wits] Ok. All the drivers are CRB checked [amazingly] as it happens.

LBS: [Not joking] Well there you go. How about - 'City Cabs - We Won't Rape You'?

Unless anyone comes up with anything better before 10.00am tomorrow morning that's what I'm walking in there with.

Things I Must Never Forget # 2

Four-year old Favourite Son comes down the stairs.

He and his sister are staying with me for a few days and I am stupidly happy at having a sensible reason to live for a change.

He’s always been very good at dressing himself but this morning he looks exceptionally dapper.

Me: Wow! You look very smart.

(I would like to stress that I rarely use the word ‘wow’ in a non-ironic sense. This was an exception.)

He shrugs and busies himself with something that doesn’t involve him being made to feel self-conscious in front of his Father.

We’re off on an Outing, but as I have explained to both of them, I need to quickly drop into my office for half an hour to Do Some Things because I’m the sort of cretin who can’t organize some simple time off without leaving things to do.

Less than an hour later we’re in my place of work. Favourite Son charms all around him without even trying, Favourite Daughter busies herself with doing my job better than me despite not having the slightest idea what I do for a living.

Favourite Daughter: [Looking up from her ‘work’] What are those?

Me: Um. Sweets.

FD: Who’s been eating them?

Me: Not me.

FD: Who then? Can I have one?

Me: No. You’ve not had lunch and you’ve had enough sugar. And I don’t know. Have a look around and see who you think looks like the sort of person that would steal my sweets.

Her eyes immediately flick at Blonde Colleague and dart away again. She shrugs.

Me: For what it’s worth I think you’re right.

I complete my ‘should have been done already’ tasks and we leave once I drag Favourite Son away from his new female admirers.

As we leave –

Favourite Son: Daddy?

Me: Yes?

FD: You have to be smart for work don’t you?

Me: ….. Oh. Yes.

As we head toward the local science center I now realize why he made such the effort - with his smartest pants, best shirt and co-ordinated ‘tank-top’ or whatever they’re called this year - earlier that morning.

His four-year old brain knew that we were ‘going to work’. I remember now that he said as much himself the night before as I outlined our activities for the day. I know now that he was probably more concerned about that than anything else.

And that he wanted to make the right impression. Perhaps for himself but maybe for his father as well.

Masturbation.

Thug Colleague is waxing lyrical on one of his favourite subjects.

Thug Colleague: …. And you’re sitting there in the bathroom with your troosers roond yur ankles and spunk all ower your hand thinking ‘this is proper sordid this like’….

We’re in a pub, it’s a lunchtime. Normally I would never drink during the day but the previous evening had been a ‘staff do’ and we are all cripplingly hungover to the extent that a couple of midday refreshments are the only way of getting through it. I’ve conducted a survey and none of us can clearly remember our journey into the office that morning -which is not a good sign.

Thug Colleague: ….and you’ve covered every mirror in the bathroom with towels so you don’t catch a glimpse of yoursell deein’ it……

I’m only half-listening but he seems to be having quite the trip down memory lane. Although, he still lives with his parents so maybe not. It could have been last night.

Thug Colleague: … and whenever yer Mam looks at the Littlewoods catalogue she cannit understand why it alweys oppins on the underwear pages …

Grant From Work: I was always more of a Freemans man myself.

TC: Aye, that was some quality grumble that like …

I’m thinking back over the previous evening. I remember dancing on smashed glass with a female colleague. There is something about red wine down the front of my trousers as well. Also helping myself to the ‘one complimentary glass of champagne upon arrival’ half a dozen times and getting into a foolish confrontation with a member of front-of-house staff on the subject. All in all, not too bad.

TC: … like, when you find an auld copy of Razzle in some bushes and you fuckin’ think it’s Christmas come soon …

Perhaps inappropriately I start thinking of my son. It’s probably Thug’s childlike delight and stupid toothy grin.

It occurs to me that Favourite Son will - once he becomes interested in such pastimes - probably not enjoy the illicit pleasures of the Playtex section of the Kays catalogue as virtually every young man in the United Kingdom of my generation has.

I’m sure that once he reaches that age of curiosity technology will have advanced to the extent that all he will have do is press the red button on his digital remote control and whoever is presenting CITV that day will appear in a pop-up window fellating an alsation.

Which simultaneously makes me feel both a bit sad, and also a bit worried about myself for even thinking like this.

Thug Colleague [clearly moving-on from his festival of Masturbation Nostalgia]: Tired? That lass ye were dancin’ with? Well, she was dancin’ anyways, Ah divn’t knaw what you would caaall what ye were dein’ – did ye shag her?

Me: No.

It Gets Worse.

Today.

Blonde Colleague: Right. That’s it!

She’s just ended a telephone call with Insane Client and is glaring at me.

BC: You’re having her back!

Me: No, I don’t want-

BC: I’M GIVING THE ACCOUNT BACK TO YOU AND THAT’S IT. SHE’S NUTS.

Me: I know, that’s why-

BC: I’m not even listening.

Occasionally we have clients that are not fond of our credit-checking procedure and will pay for our services over the telephone by credit-card instead. Insane Client is one of these. Blonde Colleague has just phoned her to attempt taking payment:

Blonde Colleague: So if I can just take your card number…

Insane Client: Why? Don’t you know it?

BC: Um. Well, no.

IC: *sigh* Why not? I just gave it to you last week. You should know it. I don’t see why I should have to tell you every week.

BC: We don’t keep that sort of information. You know. For security?

IC: *sigh* Well I really don’t ….. this is all….

BC: If I could just take the number then I’ll get things moving ….

IC: *sigh* This is very …. 079-

BC: Hold on. That’s not the right number.

IC: What? How do you know? Of course it is.

BC: Credit card numbers never start with zero. You must have the wrong one.

IC: This is confusing me. Of course it’s right. This is very confusing.

BC: Look-

IC: 079-

BC: That really isn’t right.

IC: [volume and tone of hysteria increasing with each syllable] Of course it is! 079 [proceeds to loudly recite an eleven-digit number].

BC: [Quietly stunned for a moment or two] Insane? That’s your mobile phone number.

IC: WHY ARE YOU CONFUSING ME? THIS IS - AAARGH! [Slams phone down].

Blonde Colleague is having no more of this and is glaring at me as though I were personally responsible for this woman’s psychosis. Professional Wendy was meant to be handling this crackers account but gave it up because – well, because he’s a Wendy. It gets given to me. “You’re good with these people Tired,” I am informed. “All the crazies like you. It’s as though you speak their language or something.”

I give it a couple of hours. Then pick up the phone.

Me: Hello is that Insane?

Insane Client: [immediately suspicious and adversarial] WHO IS THIS?

Me: It’s Tired from the Department-

IC: OH NONONONONONO I DON’T NEED A TALK TODAY- [slams phone down].

I shrug apologetically at Blonde Colleague. She rolls her eyes. I notice the Fucking New Kid hovering by my desk. He has a DVD in his hand.

Fucking New Kid: You were saying on Friday you wanted to see this? You can borrow it if you want.

Great. We’re ‘mates’ now, obviously.

Lunatic Asylum.

I have a job, and a tiresome by-product of this job is that I am required to speak to people. As some of these people are 'clients' it means I also have to speak to them pleasantly. This would not be a problem for most normal people, but unfortunatly for me I am a divining rod for mentalists.

I used to think that this only applied to my personal life, but it seems that it has extended itself to the workplace also. I do not know if this is good or bad. However, it does mean that I spend much of my working day speaking to the sort of people who occupy themselves of an evening by howling at the moon whilst masturbating over photographs of wellington boots. Or something.

With one exception.

I have been out of the office for a few days, and in my absense the following telephone conversation takes place:

Blonde Colleague [answering telephone]: Good afternoon, you're through to the Department.

Insane Client: Oh. Oh. Hello. Um. Could I speak to Tired please? I normally deal with him.

Insane Client has long been the bane of my life, and when not being irretrievably difficult, slamming the phone down for no good reason, informing me that alien visitors to our planet show no respect for God (a genuinely true conversation) and sagely informing me that we are, in fact, 'not robots' (yes, she did mean it in a literal sense) probably fills her days making papier mache cats to keep her imaginary ones company.

BC: I'm sorry, he's on holiday at the moment. Can I help?

IC: I'm sure you can. It's just .... how long has he been away?

BC: Oh, just a couple of days.

IC: Right. Right. Well. Anyway, could you .... do you know where he's gone?

BC: He didn't say. How can I help?

IC: He didn't? It's just .... well, there's been a couple of murders.

BC: ....What?

IC: In the papers. Did you not read? Not too far from here.

BC: Riiight...

IC: I'm just saying. You have to admit it's a bit odd. Him being off work at the same time.

BC: ..........Err.

IC: I'm not accusing him of anything, it's just ...... well, it seems strange is all.

BC: Ok then. Anyway, what can I-

IC: Actually is it alright if I just deal with you now? Like I say, I'm sure he had nothing to do with it, but .....


To this day the client in question has refused to speak to me. Her and the woman who won't deal with me because she doesn't think I'm suitably sympathetic when she tells me in detail about her hormone-replacement therapy makes two, now I think about it. The only thing I now have left to do is to push the sanity envelope of the rest of them and then I shan't have to speak to anyone at all.

Brilliant.

Ghost of Christmas Past.

Five weeks ago.

I am walking up the stairs on a railway platform, preparing to cross the tracks. I am weary, unhappy, have traveled 1,200 miles in the past five days and am looking down the barrel of 400 more. Experience of my country’s excellent rail network tells me that I shall be alone with my own rather unpleasant thoughts for between four and seven hours. Excellent.

Still. At least I’ll be traveling alone. I don’t mind the anonymity.

A random man is coming down the same stairs toward me.

Random Man: Hello Tired!

What the fuck is this now? I’m several hundred miles away from home in a town I have not lived in for five or six bloody years. No-one knows me here.

Me: I don’t know who you are.

I don’t have the energy to be any less direct than that. I find it's often the best approach anyway.

Random Man: It’s Gareth!

Oh my sweet shitting Baby Jesus up in his heaven sitting on his cloud, it can’t be.

Please take a moment to check my post of June 6th 2006 to find out who ‘Gareth’ is. I’d do one of those ‘link’ things but can’t be arsed.



I blink at Gareth for a while. This really is too much.

Gareth: [Very excitable for some reason] Are you getting the 11.12?

Me: [Stupidly] Yes.

Gareth: Great! Me too! Loads to catch up on! Just going to the cash-point! See you in a minute!

I stand stupidly blinking with my mouth open for a few minutes. This is terrible.

Of course, being a grown man I handle the potential awkwardness of sitting on a train for God knows how long with a person I really cannot bear in a perfectly adult, sensible manner.

By standing out of sight smoking a cigarette outside the station until the last possible second before the train departs and then jumping into the carriage furthest away from the one ‘Gareth’ has joined purely so I can avoid talking to the man, who is now on my very extensive list of people I have to avoid forever.