“You’re so money baby.”

As I work in a murky provincial corner of the ‘meedya’ I sometimes find myself on a ‘list’ of ‘important people’ who are then invited to a ‘thing’ that involves food, drink, untold glamour (basically fit women in skimpy outfits) and no financial outlay.

Which happened the other week and, as the above sounds utterly brilliant, I promptly RSVP’ed to the affirmative secure in the belief that the organisers should have first checked if I were actually important before offering me ‘free shit’.

I inform them that myself, Uncannily Similar and ‘others’ shall be attending.

Amazingly, no-one at the P.R. susses that I am, in fact, ‘No-one At All’ and accept.

Uncannily Similar: Right. Got a few more ‘on board’. Be about half a dozen now.

Me: Erm. Ok. Who?

He reels off a set of names and –

Me: ‘Janice and Paul’?

U.S: Aaah. Yeeah.

Me: No offence. Janice looks like a homeless. WHEN SHE MAKES AN EFFORT. And – not being funny – Paul is a fucking DWARF. An – no, hang on – an ACTUAL dwarf. His eyes don’t even point in the same direction – no, shut up, he’s got the little hands and everything – there is NO WAY anyone will think that we are ‘high-rollers’ worthy of ‘free shit’ when the CIRCUS IS IN TOWN. Never.

Three hours later.

We’re all wasted on free booze and acting like over-excited children. We’ve gone back for ‘seconds’ at the buffet (some of us ‘thirds’), loudly demanded why the champagne appears to have dried up and have also asked where the free cocktails have gone.

I decide to leave, aware of the fact that I’m not getting on to any more P.R. mailing lists in the near future.

And get home to find a troubling letter from a hospital on my doormat.

Chinatown.

“Here we go.” I think to myself.

There is an obvious Mental heading straight for me. I’m like a magnet for these people.

I’m outside the office building that I work in, smoking a cigarette with some colleagues. A very small, over-dressed, ridiculously be-spectacled nut-case heads in our direction. He looks like someone has 'wardrobed' him with the brief of ‘making me look as out of place as possible with a budget of only a million pounds’.

His wheeled-suitcase is probably worth more than the house I live in, and the back-street where we choose to smoke is somewhere that people are routinely murdered after dark. True. This is already very weird.

“Hi. Do you know somewhere I can get some Chinese food?”

It’s ten o’clock in the morning. And millionaire-boy wants some Chinese food. Of course. And he’s asking me. Obviously. Nut-case.

“What?”

“It’s just I have to be at the theatre in an hour and I’m starving.”

Fuck’s sake we’ve all got problems, it’s only gone ten and I’ve had a dreadful day already. I’m guessing you’ve come from the train station across the street and am – DO YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK OFF.

That’s what I think. What I actually do is brusquely give him directions to Chinatown, secure in the knowledge that there shan’t be a single place open before lunchtime.

Some time passes. I’m smoking a cigarette with a colleague who I threatened with physical violence over the phone one evening some weeks ago but we’re fine now. It’s a long story and I don’t come out of it terribly well.

Colleague: I know you’re a Gay Magnet but that was just stupid. And you didn’t have to be so rude.

Me: Do you want some more? Do you? Anyway. What?

Colleague: That was Wayne Sleep.

Me: Was it?

Colleague: Yes

Me: Oh.

Forget It Jake ...

I’ve no strong feelings either way about my Lovely But Stupid Colleague, and am certainly above mentioning the time she shit herself at the office Christmas party, because that would be hugely ungentlemanly.

I just would really rather she didn’t speak to me. Ever.

And I've things on my mind. My Grandfather is unwell and apparently I'm not doing too well either.

I walk back into my building after both smoking a cigarette and conducting an odd exchange with a dancer, of which more another time.

Lovely But Stupid: Tired! I’ve just been to Chinatown!

(By the way, who really thinks a reliance on laxatives as a weight-loss solution, and then drinks two bottles of wine in the staff toilets before they even get to the party is going to have their evening end in anything other than total humiliation?)

Me: Ok.


LBS: It was really, I don’t know…. Sort of …..

Like most large cities, there is a significant quarter of ours which is entirely of the Orient.

Me: Chinese?

LBS: YES! Everyone was….erm….

Me: Chinese?

LBS: YES! It was like being in… er…well…

Me: China?

LBS: EXACTLY! It was all just really….er…

Me: Chinese?

You shit yourself at the Christmas party, I think to myself. However, I do not say anything, as I am a gentleman.

LBS: YES! GOD! It was amazing!

Me: Fucking hell.

I don’t mention the stone cold fact that she shit herself at the Christmas party. Because that would just be out of order, and gentlemen do not mention such things.

We had to call her boyfriend to take her home and everything. He looked rather resigned when he turned up.

The Great Escape.

“It’d be very easy to just walk out.” Says my grandfather. “I’ve walked all over, I know where the exits are now. It really wouldn’t be difficult.”

I rub the back of my head for a while.

“I know Granddad, but you haven’t actually been incarcerated as such….”

“Yes well, whilst you’re here Mark would you mind opening the window for me?”

My name is not Mark.

“I’m thinking we’ll keep the window closed. I’ve just looked and it leads straight to a flat roof. I don’t want you getting any ideas.”

He doesn’t see the funny side, busy as he is trying to ‘open’ a full-length mirror that is screwed to the wall in the belief that it is in fact a doorway to a non-existent kitchen so he can make us a cup of tea.

“I really don’t know what I’m doing here. It was just a little fall – my ankle you know – out riding. This is all nonsense. These bloody doctors. Trying to make a name for themselves.”

My Grandfather is 94. He has not been horse-riding in at least fifty years.

“Mmmmmm.”

For the first time he looks at me directly. For an instant – the most difficult thing – he is back.

“You live alone. Do you get lonely?”

“Well. Sometimes. I’m at work all day, it’s demanding stuff so I’m usually too tired to feel anything much when I get home. The weekends are tough I suppose.”

“Hm. Exactly.”

I’ve no idea what he means by this.

“Would you like a cup of tea? I can make you one.”

“No, it’s ok Granddad.”

You bastard, I think to myself. This had better be serious because you’ve took all the attention away from me and my ‘little’ scare. You’d better be dying at least.

I occasionally write for a dreadful 'satirical celebrity news' website, but am so often busy doing 'real' things that I miss deadlines for breaking news.

Even so. Not a single website or tabloid newspaper in the land yesterday actually had the thought of publishing the headline-

George Micheal Goes Down.

Not one? Seriously.

I would have, but was doing my real job and didn't have time (easy to think of these things 24 hours later I know but I really did) - what is wrong with this country? Because that was a GIFT to any half-decent sub-editor or contributor to snarky websites.

Pull your socks up people.

"Disorientated and Aggressive"

That is the paramedics’ comments from my hospital notes.

“Do you know where you are?” A question asked of me many times in the space of a couple of hours.

“In an ambulance” and “In a hospital” have been the answers.

This seemed to satisfy all concerned.

I’m also asked what year it is and the identity of our Prime Minister. For medical men I would expect them to be better informed.

After 48 hours I have eaten some truly dreadful food which has had the paradoxically reassuring effect of a school dinner, undergone a head CT, a load of neurological tests, some extensive monitoring of my heart and some blood work.

A boy in his early-twenties is admitted late at night and put in the bed next to me. His clothes are ripped and his face smashed. His mouth is so badly battered it looks as though he’s had some unsuccessful collagen and then had lip-stick applied by a clown. A ‘fight with his step-father’ he proudly informs staff with as much swagger as one can manage from a hospital bed.

I read from cover to cover the autobiography of the nasty guy who was in ‘Callan’ with Edward Woodward in the early eighties. My father used to let me stay up late to watch it. (This isn’t strictly true – he was just so drunk he’d forgotten I was there.) I come to the conclusion that said actor is ‘a cunt’ but there is nothing else to read.

I try and sleep. At three in the morning I hear the boy in the bed next to me quietly sobbing to himself.

The next morning, after further prodding, I am told I can go home, with instructions to return for an ECG. And to shower instead of bathe. And to avoid cooking with hot fat.

A friend of the boy – much the same age as him – comes to pick him up when they discharge him. His bravura was back in place and he thanked me for the cigarette I gave him that morning. God knows where he’s sleeping now.

I go to work the next day and almost instantly realise I shouldn’t have.

I can barely move. They don’t call it a ‘seizure’ for nothing. Everything hurts. My short-term memory is shot to shit and everything smells weird.

“It took four people to hold you down when it was happening. And you gave the paramedics hell. It was one of – well… No. THE most frightening thing I’ve ever seen” Informs a colleague who, unbeknownst to me, was on the same bus.

I have no memory of any of this, although am advised to get hold of the CCTV as it could prove to be a youTube sensation if I can also get hold of the audio of my comedy growling as it was happening.

On the up-side I always get a seat to myself on my bus home now. People seem wary of me for some reason.

It’s all been rather exciting to be honest, I think to myself as I get home late from work this evening after a night of pretending to be more important than I am in order to be wined and dined for free. The majority of the bumps, scrapes, cuts and bruises on my fists, knees and shins have all but healed and I’m feeling almost back to normal.

There is a letter from the Neurophysiology Department on the mat. No mention of results from the head CT, but they want me to go back in for an EEG.

Bugger.

At this rate, they may actually discover that I have a brain.

Working Week.

As well as handling the advertising for many dick-swinging big-shot blue chip companies, I also deal with people who run their own small businesses and who are – more often than not – barking mad. The former are unbelievably difficult to deal with what with their talk of ‘MPUs’ and ‘skies’ whilst declaring the ‘banner’ to be ‘dead’ – I have no idea what they mean but have people who do - insist upon 'meetings' and keep saying things like “I can get this cheaper with a really rubbish company who won't deliver” as if that were a really valid bargaining strategy.

The latter are much more fun. I believe I’ve mentioned Insane Client before now. I shall call her ‘Carol’ for the moment. I am a fastidious note-maker. The following is – tragically – verbatim from my notes of genuine conversations with her:


Outgoing Telephone Call 06/08/2010 11:24 Comments: Re-book. Briefly considered changing the mobile phone number in her advert AGAIN but decided against.

Outgoing Telephone Call 04/08/2010 11:34 Comments: Carol has again called - wanting to change 'pets allowed' to 'pets welcome'. (?) Done.

Outgoing Telephone 03/08/2010 16:40 Comments: Carol called to change the mobile number in the advert once again. Claimed the old one was 'attracting the wrong sort of people'. Amazing.

Outgoing Telephone Call 30/07/2010 10:52 Comments: Booked for another week, good as gold.

Outgoing Telephone Call 23/07/2010 11:45 Comments: Re-book for next week.

Outgoing Telephone Call 20/07/2010 10:22 Comments: Checking adverts - all is well.

Outgoing Telephone Call 15/07/2010 14:02 Comments: Copy amend and rebook for next week.

Outgoing Telephone Call 09/07/2010 11:18 Comments: Wants a call on Monday - waiting to see if a booking comes in.

Outgoing Telephone Call 05/07/2010 12:30 Comments: Got hold of Carol after she slammed the phone down on Thug Colleague. Changing mobile number in advert once more - this time due to an 'irate holiday maker' smashing her windscreen during the weekend. Booked for the week.

Outgoing Telephone Call 21/06/2010 11:18 Comments: Booked for another week. New mobile number again.

Outgoing Telephone Call 11:50 Comments: Bit hassled, will call me back on Monday morning.

Outgoing Telephone Call 15/06/2010 14:21 Comments: Reassured Carol once again that we are definately getting the payments through and that I will call her to re-book her advertisements.

Outgoing Telephone Call 15/06/2010 14:15 Comments: Carol called to check that she has paid for her adverts on her pre-paid account - money still hasn't gone from the bank apparently. Assured her I would double-check all is well at our end. She seemed happy with this and went to feed her cats.

Outgoing Telephone Call 10/06/2010 16:05 Comments: Carol is puzzled that this weeks’ payment does not seem to have been deducted from her card. Feels that 'someone' is 'playing' with her. Assured me that she wasn't 'accusing' me 'of anything'. Sending her recent statements.

Outgoing Telephone Call 09:41 Comments: Carol phoned to check the status of her advert. Seemed satisfied that it's the same as it was when she called 15 minutes ago.

Outgoing Telephone Call 10/06/2010 09:30 Comments: Carol called in to change her telephone number yet again - claims the entire T-Mobile network is down.

Outgoing Telephone Call 04/06/2010 13:17 Comments: Driving on the A1 - wants a call later.

Outgoing Telephone Call 25/05/2010 09:07 Comments: Carol rang in to change her mobile number in the advert yet again.

Outgoing Telephone Call 21/05/2010 11:00 Comments: Rebook. New mobile number. Again. Much anguish regarding 'the news' and the continuing Alnwick cat poisonings. Genuis.

Outgoing Telephone Call Interested 17/05/2010 11:26 Comments: In the doctors - call her later.

Outgoing Telephone Call 14/05/2010 14:39 Comments: She'll get back to me.

Outgoing Telephone Call 07/05/2010 13:58 Comments: Re-book for week.

Outgoing Telephone Call Interested 29/04/2010 15:02 Comments: Carol has excelled herself with tales of rabid dogs, cat-poisoners and the fact that she's having to change the mobile number in her advert yet again because the old one is attracting 'disableds'. Brilliant. Re-book for the week.


If I worked for a mobile-phone company I would be able to retire by now.

I Do Loads of Gardening. And a Small Amount Of Thinking. I Preferred the Thinking.

Deciding that the hoe just isn’t cutting it – haha – I get the fork-thing out of the shed, although God knows where it or indeed the hoe came from.

I’ve ignored the borders for seven months and they’ve become an extension of the lawn. I shall have to dig them over.

The lawn itself is not too bad. A couple of shirtless fourteen-year-old radge-packets come around every couple of weeks armed with a strimmer and in return for enough cash to enable them to purchase either ten cigarettes or two bottles of White Lightning they sort the lawn out for me. I’m of the impression that if I ever declined their kind offer of help I would shortly find myself without windows but it’s a good deal nonetheless.

I stab the fork-thing into the ground, promptly hitting a rock and sending shock-waves up my right arm. I swear, drop the spade and then have to jump back so it doesn’t clatter onto my feet.

Picking the fork-thing up, I heroically try again. It sinks into the ground without any trouble and I press my foot down onto the bridge of the fork and sink it completely in. Using both arms I apply a bit of leverage to the fork-handle. Nothing.

Fuck this. I decide to push down on it with everything I have. I promptly rise up, the fork doesn’t move and my legs are thrashing about mid-air just like that paragliding Russian donkey.

I look around. No-one saw. Therefore it did not happen. Excellent.

After two hours of this nonsense I have managed to dig over my borders and have removed anything that might have even looked like a weed. An elderly neighbour wanders by.

Elderly Neighbour: Oh that looks better. I’ve just got back from the States you know. Bit jet-lagged so I can’t chat.

I’ve never spoken to her in my life. I also notice that, by way of luggage, she is carrying a Co-op carrier-bag and nothing else. I sort-of doubt her tale of jet-setting, but am too exhausted to get into it with her. Besides, she’s doing me no harm.

I get a glass of water that I cannot drink because my arms are fucked and keep trying to pour the liquid over my shoulder instead of in my mouth.

The garden looks very tidy. It also looks a bit barren now. I’ve properly gone to town on the borders and there’s not a living thing left.

It seems that my desire to exert some order over the garden has also robbed it of what made it interesting in the first place – it’s ‘garden-ness’.

Maybe this means something. Perhaps it’s ‘symbolic’.

I shrug to myself and go to the pub.

Telephone Conversation With My Much More Intelligent Daughter.

Five weeks ago

Her Mother: Here.

Favourite Daughter:[background]NO.

Her Mother: NOW. Here. TALK.

FD: [skipping the whole ‘seven years old’ thing and becoming ‘thirteen’]*sigh* ‘llo?

Me: Hello.

The above exchange is repeated five times.

Me: Are you just going to keep saying ‘hello’?

FD: What?

The above exchange is also repeated five times. Each time I hear her slight amusement heighten with my frustration.

I decide to raise my game. I have yet to receive a Father’s Day card – for reasons that have been sensibly explained to me by her mother – but I reckon if I bring this up I’ll crack her.

I know. 'Emotional manipulation'. I'm very proud of myself. To be honest I didn't have high hopes for its success anyway.

Me: So I’ve been very sad. Do you know why?

FD: [almost audible shrug]

Me: What day was it last Sunday?

Silence.

I’m in trouble here. I’ve foolishly done this, will tar her with irrational guilt and will also incur the wrath of not only her future self but her right-now mother and - God – it was just meant to be a joke.

Favourite Daughter: We were really…. and we didn’t make one at school and there wasn’t time …

She sounds very ‘little’. I feel totally dreadful. This has back-fired.

Pause.

Faourite Daughter: Daddy?

Something has changed in her voice. Almost imperceptible, something I like to think only her father would notice. I’ve a horrible feeling she’s about to be devastating without even trying.

Me: [Very suspicious] Yes?

FD: Well. You said ….[her voice takes the tone of ‘got you’ that she’ll employ with any slip-up that I or any man she’ll ever meet will make] you’d WRITE to ME first.

I think about the last goodbye I said to her and remember that I did promise this whilst trying not to let her see how sad I was feeling.

Me: Well, I…..

Fuck’s sake. I’ve been busy. Work. Writing stuff for sarcy websites. Christ. I’m shit aren’t I?

Silence. She does not chuckle.

Me: Well …. [It’s impossible to describe. We both know I’m dead in the water. And I can HEAR her satisfaction at the small victory even though SHE ALSO KNOWS SHE’S NOT ENTIRELY IN THE RIGHT. But that I’m just in the right side of wrong]

Me: Anyway. I love you.

FD: I know.

I Read The Guardian So You Don’t Have To #2

Caption to a reader-submitted photograph of a dreary, piss-stained underpass:

“Walking through an underpass, I was struck by the wonderful simplicity of the shadow and the composition that resulted.”

Do you know what I think when walking under a concrete monstrosity littered with watery-grey-filled condoms and crushed cans of Stella Artois?

I'll tell you what I DON'T THINK:

'Angles, that was the theme for the Guardian Weekend magazine's photo montage for next week! This is perfect! Look at those shadows! I'm just going to whip out my 12 mega-pixel camera right now and capture this rare moment of beauty in such an unlikely setting!'

Do you know why I don't?

Because I'm not a cunt.

Waste Of Space Dies - World Shrugs

My day was disturbed at six this Sunday morning by the news that absolute no-mark and Wetherspoons-botherer Alex 'The Hurricane' Higgins had finally made some space in the world for the other shit-heels in the queue at William Hills before the 'offy' opens.

The passing of the perennially homeless fuck-wit alcoholic father of a random amount of children – he didn’t admit to at least two – will trouble no-one at all although his amazing ability of hitting a ball with a stick will be mourned the world over; he was good at it for at least ten minutes and the globe feels the loss.

It’s about seven now – I’m going to try and get some real sleep before the world erupts with the news that the bloke who needed 45p for his bus home on Friday night was actually a chancer. Christ.

I Watch Television So You Don't Have To.

Sunday morning.

Idiot 1: An amazing motorcycle crash there. You wonder how they walk away sometimes.

Idiot 2: Well they are trained for it. And they have quite a lot of padding.

Idiot 3: Up next – can ‘art’ be ‘too popular’?

Christ.

It’s only eight in the morning.

And the above – completely genuine and verbatim by the way – has been the morning’s highlight.

I’ve got the mid-morning waking-hell of that dreadful thing with the footballer’s wife and that awful AWFUL man – the one that the strangely-likeable cocktail-maker so obviously wants to knock-out – to look forward to which will probably be followed by at least 36 hours of Formula One coverage.

I can switch channels and watch Paul-McCartney-Looky-Likey Angela Lansbury solve some surprisingly alarming suburban crime or look at a bronze-coloured man sell some tat to fools.

A completely un-ironic news item concerning the lack of ‘pond-life’ in Great Britain bothers me for a second. We ‘need more ponds’ says a very earnest-looking man in a green polo-neck.

I turn the television off. I look at my watch.

Two whole hours. I want to kill someone.

People look at me with amazement when I tell them I don’t often watch television.

Three and a Half Years Ago.

Uncannily Similar colleague and I find ourselves walking down the same corridor in the building we work in. We’ve never spoken before.

Uncannily Similar: So. How are you finding it then?

I’ve only been with the company a few days, the work we do is stressful and hugely competitive. He’s fucking ‘sizing me up’ isn’t he?

Me: Fine. Done it before so no problem really.

I’ve seen him in action ands he’s fucking good at what he does. But I’m not going to let him know it.

U.S: So. [Clocking I’m the same age as him] Married then?

Me: No. Just separated actually.

U.S: Shit. Sorry. No kids though?

Me: A son and a daughter as it happens.

U.S: Fuck. Really. Sorry. Still see them loads though?


Me: Bit up in the air at the minute to be honest.

U.S: Shit. Bollocks. Fuck.

He stops walking, as do I. His shoulders relax and he drops the ‘pissing contest’ thing.

U.S: How am I doing?

Me: Three out of three so far.

We grin at each other.

U.S: Few of us going for a drink tonight if you’re interested.

Me: Why not.

The next week our boss makes us work together.

Two and a half years later I cry at his wedding.

I pretend I have something in my eye.

Lost and Found.

They say that if you love something you should set it free. And if it returns it’ll be yours forever.

I’m starting to find that this may actually be true.

If by ‘love’ they mean ‘are quite used to having around’. And if by ‘quite used to having around’ they mean ‘is a District Council-mandated necessity’.

And if by ‘set it free’ they actually mean ‘wonder where the fuck it’s gone.’

The wheelie-bin for my recycling went missing didn’t it.

The first week or so I wasn’t that bothered. It’s a recycling bin that - to be frank - I rarely use. I chucked my tins and newspapers in the refuse bin as usual but without the normal minor twinge you get when you irrationally think that you are being ‘bad’ by doing so. The second week I did have a faux-nonchalant stroll around the neighbourhood to see if I could spot it. By week three I was beginning to get slightly concerned.

It just isn’t in a wheelie-bins’ nature to act like this. I began to imagine how it would have coped surviving in the wild for three solid weeks. The torments it must have suffered at the hands of the abandoned shopping-trolleys, the mocking from the single drunkedly-lost shoes and discarded gloves.

Don’t get me started on the indignity it must have suffered at the hands of the marauding ‘Household Refuse’ wheelie-bins. Because they think they are IT compared with their weakling ‘Recycling’ cousins - showing off with their cigarette-ends and bits of chicken wing when they all get together in the grave-yard at night for a bit of lid-flapping.

By week four it had returned, sheepish and repentant. Well, it won’t be trying that one again. I’m never putting it out. That’ll teach it. Locked in the backyard, next to the catflap in the back gate that I spend most evenings staking-out so I can throw clothes-pegs at next-doors’ cat every time it sticks it’s fucking head through it.

People tell me I’m spending too much time in the house.

Build A Bridge ...

I’m at a cash point, trying not to worry about things too much.

Withdrawing a sensibly small amount of money, I notice a familiar face as I walk away. I’m feeling unusually garrulous, so say hello.

Familiar Face: Oh hi. God. How are you?

Me: Good. You?

FF: Oh you know. Where you working now?

Familiar Face and I worked together four years ago and were pretty friendly until he got all huffy about the fact that his girlfriend 'Curvy Girl' –who worked in the same place- thought I was quite amusing and would hang out with me from time to time for just that reason. Like I say, it was four years ago and I haven’t seen he or she since.

I tell him where I’m working.

FF: Really? I’m bored shitless where I am. I’ve been trying to get in at your place for ages. Any chance of putting a good word in?

Me: I suppose-

FF: I’m living with Curvy now. WE LIVE TOGETHER.

Me: [pause] …Ok. I’ll have a word with my boss, I know she’s, erm …. Yeah she’s looking for people … ah, now as it happens.

We exchange numbers.

It was four fucking years ago and she just laughed at my stupid jokes for fucks sake.

I never hear from him again, presumably so as to minimise any possibility of his girlfriend having humour-fuelled sex with me.

What. A. Cock.

Time To Leave

I’m at work. It’s four-thirty in the afternoon. All is fairly peaceful in the office.

Blonde Colleague: Right. I’m off.

Me: What?

BC: [slinging bag over her shoulder] I’m away. That’s me.

Me: Bit early. What for?

BC: I’m a fat cunt.

I sigh inwardly. This is getting beyond a joke. It’s bad enough having to listen to her bang on about her latest diet all day every day and pointing-out that her ‘weight issues’ are entirely imaginary – the only ‘issue’ she’s had of late has been losing too much and not really looking like a proper woman anymore but you can’t say that because they never believe you – but having to leave work early? Christ.

Anyway, I reply in the only manner a sane man would when faced with a woman describing herself as above.

Me: Oh no you’re not.

BC: What?

Me: You’re not.

BC: I FUCKING AM AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Bit vehement.

Me: Look, you’re really not and you should just get over it.

BC: You can’t tell me what to do! This has been agreed and I’m going.

Me: Well there’s really no point. You should just accept things. You’re fine.

BC: WHAT?!

Me: You’re not a ‘fat cunt’.

BC: WHAT??!!

This is getting a bit weird actually. Normally when you tell a woman they’re not overweight they melt a little bit and make you some tea. This is not going according to the template. I resolve to give it one last go.

Me: I said you’re not a fat cunt.

BC: I know! And I’m off to Weight Watchers to make sure I stay that way. I’ll make up the time tomorrow.

Ah. Weight Watchers. That she often refers to as ‘Fat Club’.

Me: Oh. OH. Sorry. I thought you said “I’m a fat cunt”, not “I’m at Fat Club”.

BC: WHAT? YOU THINK I’M A FAT CUNT?!

Me: Well, no, of course-

BC: Wanker!

She storms out of the office. Every woman present glares at me.

I Read The Guardian So You Don't Have To #1

From the readers' problems page of the Weekend magazine:

"We've just returned from Marrakech with a lovely red leather pouffe. Unfortunately, a strong camel smell emanates from it. How can we get rid of it?"

No comment need be made on my part.

I Have A Piss In My Bathroom Sink.

I reflect upon my awesome Friday.

It’s been yet another long day. I give ‘myself’ a shake and run the tap. Balefully I gaze at the toilet that is still brim-full of not-entirely-clean water.

Thirteen hours previously I had enjoyed a leisurely breakfast and had performed my bathroom habits before leaving for work. I had noticed that the toilet did not drain. And in fact had just filled.

“That’s fine”, I thought, “by the time I get home tonight it will have actually fixed itself. All on its own. Like that dead cat in the front garden all those years ago.”

I endure a working day dealing with small businesses who pretend not to exist after what is for them a terrifying Budget and large private businesses who are now spending money like it was some sort of competition.

And then attend after-work drinks with Newly-Gay Friend and yet another of his ‘gentleman callers’ without accidently getting pissed and offending people yet again and am now home safe and sound and need a wee.

Astoundingly nothing has resolved itself in my absence. For the eight-millionth time I reflect upon the doubly-rubbish nature of not only living alone but also being grown-up.

I arm myself with all the household disinfectant I can find and begin bending a wire clothes-hanger into the required shape.

I don’t much fancy anything for dinner anymore.

Fail.

Interior. Day.

A shabby office, one phone, one desk. The year is 1986.

Barry is a failed popstar but slightly talented song-writer who carves a living writing tunes for other people. He tries not to be bitter.

[Off screen] Phone rings.

Barry: *sigh* Hi.

Listens.

Barry: Yeah whatever. What’s the pay? {pause] Yeah that’ll do. Let’s recap. Slightly saucy pop hit, not so suggestive it won’t get airplay – don’t want a repeat of that Frankie Goes To Hollywood thing – but enough to sell. Ok. Who’s it for? Cher again?

Some time passes.

Barry: Sam fucking Fox? Are you shitting me? Do you know who I am?

More silence.

Barry: Well yeah that’s who I am NOW, but I could have been…..right. Whatever. Yeah. I’ll do it.

Barry hangs up, and reaches for a folder marked ‘Absolutely Terrible Analogies For Awful Pay’

Fade to black.

.......................................................................................................

24 years later (this is me now).

I’m in the check-out queue at Poundland during my lunch hour, faintly excited by the thought of my evening shower that I’m promised will be an ‘energising deep cleansing experience’ according to the label on my one quid bottle of shower gel.

Trying not to think of how hideously ugly the poor actually are (this isn’t John Lewis), not to mention how smelly - it’s Poundland for God’s sake and it’s 2 for 1 on deodorant – I listen to the plaintive strains of Sam Fox wailing from the speakers.

……. ‘like a tramp in the night I’m begging you’……………..

Honestly. ‘Like a tramp in the night?’ The writer was so disillusioned he went for the hobo analogy?

She got the last laugh I think to myself as I queue to pay for my purchase. All those photos making over-exciteable adolescent boys imagine she were available, the hit single entitled ‘Touch Me’ that would of CONVINCED them of it, and all the while she was a carpet-muncher.

The chap ahead of me is a disorientated Middle-Eastern who obviously hasn’t much English.

‘How much?’ he asks, gesturing at his hoped-for purchase.

The man behind the counter glances at him.

‘You’re in a pound shop sir and I’ve no time for comedians.’ Is his helpful reply.

Unlike Sam Fox, it seems some people have no sense of humour.

Stories.

I love a good story, me. They serve so many purposes.

A female colleague – let’s call her Susan - has just left the company I work for to start a better-paid job at an ‘escort agency’.

Not as an actual escort – she’s nearly sixty, was never a ‘looker’ in her youth and would be a cock-wilting disappointment if she turned up at your front door for some coke-fueled anonymous ‘affection’ - more an office-manager sort of thing for the agency.

I ask her if she is not slightly concerned about long-term job security in an industry notorious for falling foul of the law. And about stuff like hygienic working environments and constant contact with people who are at best morally ‘flexible’. Including her new employer.

She is certain that her new employer is at heart a good man. She tells me his story.

He was a man of the cloth – a vicar. His wife died in a car accident, he lost his faith in God and left the clergy. And turned to drink. And gambling. Poker. Which to his astonishment he turned out to be very good at. He cleaned-up and made a fortune from cards. There is a website of a casino in Las Vegas that still lists him as their biggest winner. She’s seen it.

He bought a large, expensive quayside apartment in our city upon his return and tried to lead a blameless life.

One night he heard a terrible commotion in the hallway outside his apartment. A couple of hysterical young girls were banging on his door – they couldn’t get help elsewhere. There was a very drunk, abusive gentleman in their apartment, they couldn’t get rid of him.

The hero of our story dispatches this gentleman, advising him never to return. The girls are grateful. They tell him their own story, what they do for a living, working from their apartment. Our hero is filled with nothing but concern for the well-being of these girls – do they not have any protection, anyone to look after them, he asks.

No, they reply, we are alone and vulnerable. Will you look after us?

Our hero cannot turn his back on these poor waifs, and begins conducting their affairs for them – providing them with much-needed safety. And a steady supply of well-vetted clients. Soon other lost souls hear of this wonderful man, and before long he is taking care of many young women, and starts an agency.

It’s like he has his flock back.

In my opinion, this is an utterly brilliant story of lost faith and redemption in the unlikeliest setting.

And I wonder if even Susan believes a fucking word of it.

Hecklerspray

I would like to point out that:

www.hecklerspray.com

is quite good, and if you tire of the world of modern shallow entertainment but are still sort-of fascinated by it, I would say it is a good place to go.

I, of course, have no vested interest in this statement, or indeed the website in question.